My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
