My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
