i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
