Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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