Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
