the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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