We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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