I wanna bring you to show and tell
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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