I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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