When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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