What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize