Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
