Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
