he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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