How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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