The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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