he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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