apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
