The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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