he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize