I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He felt like a one man threesome
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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