If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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