Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
