Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
