He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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