I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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