it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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