Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
