I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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