dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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