In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This baby is an asshole
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
