my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
