Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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