Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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