So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
