I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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