And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
