Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I wear drunk well.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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