btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Randomize
