Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
