saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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