you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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