i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize