We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
