I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
