The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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