Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
