singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
