Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
