i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
