You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
