you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
