Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
