i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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