I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
