News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
