I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
