The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
