Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
