I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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