She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
